Alternative facts, that is. If there is any group of people that has learned to accept unpleasant realities—often brought on by natural forces—that group is gardeners. So I’m happy to know that I can devise, twist, and present my own version of gardening facts. Now is the time, before the spring season begins. I am pleased to announce that, as of 2017, these are the facts that will be governing the progress of my garden throughout the year:
- All the bulbs that I planted will bloom: 100%. No animal depredations, none not planted deep enough for survival, no duds. They’ll look amazing. Everyone will agree.
- Despite the deep shade thrown by 3 Norway maples in the easeway, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t plant luxuriant stands of sun-loving perennials like delphinium, daisies, coreopsis, salvia, and rudbeckia. It will be beautiful.
- I reject the very idea of weeds. They will not be allowed.
- Whatever rainfall we get will be perfect. Not even going to set up the hoses, because I know we’ll have enough.
- My roses will be tremendous this year. Instead of a flush in June and sporadic blooms after that, they’ll be covered in flowers all season long. Because I say so.
- Deadheading and pruning? Boring. Let the losers waste their time on it. Not me—I’m going to get tired of winning!
Many of us (including me) do start the gardening year hoping against all wisdom and all experience that, somehow, this time the garden will be perfect and that all the design flaws, infestations, plant failures, and human errors that plagued it every other year will somehow not obtain. This time. I guess we all have our alternative facts (but at least we know they’re silly).
on January 24, 2017 at 3:32 pm, in the category Ministry of Controversy, Shut Up and Dig.